From what I’ve witnessed dealing with hundreds of divorces as a Divorce Angel, I believe that if there is someone to blame for divorce being so hard, it is ourselves. The critical element here is emotions, we make divorce so hard because of them. It is our emotions that will affect our decision-making process directly. Our feelings will probably force us into a wrong choice, and we might end up in a disadvantaged position if we follow them. In this episode, I would like to raise some questions to understand why does divorce have to be so hard? 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

The demons we face during our divorce [00:02:30]

Taking away the emotions [00:04:30]

One of the reasons why divorce is so hard [00:07:00]

The emotional cost [00:08:30]

We know how to speak, but not all know how to communicate [00:10:00]

How we build our identity [00:12:00]

What is your identity? [00:14:00]

Links 

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. I am so happy that you’re here with me. And like I often say I’m so blessed to be able to share my knowledge and understanding with you guys. And when I help you, I help myself because the world is all about reciprocity. Making sure that I can go full circle, and let you guys learn from the lessons I learnt. And the lessons I still learn from the conversations with my clients. Everyone that I talked to when I do a clarity call, I ask them some specific questions. And I do that to gather data on what’s going on in the area of divorce. Because the more knowledge I have, it is more about what I can do to deep dive into the issues and understand what is not being addressed.

And that brings me to today’s topic. Why does divorce have to be so hard? Okay, we get it. There are a few things that without a shadow of a doubt, cause so much heartache, those things are emotions.

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And we’re fighting these demons when we are getting divorced. They’re demons we have, and we may not even know we have. I remember, you know, when I was going through it, these emotions were coming up that I’d never felt before. I didn’t even know where they were coming from. These voids of feeling lost and lonely, even though I lived in a house with four other people, it didn’t make sense.

And these emotions of fear, and how will I be able to do this myself? Before getting into fight or flight mode, we automatically go into, well, if I’m going to make this decision, how will I survive? Because survival’s the key and we all want security. And how are we going to get that?

If we take these steps and what happens is we have this internal dialogue that goes on, and we have to choose, which of our priorities is more important. Is it more important to stay in this unhappy relationship, or is it more important to get up and do something about it? And even though we might not have the money, we might not have the happiness to start off; eventually, we can see that things were gonna turn around. 

There’s this internal fight that happens. And the same thing happens if you’re the person that unfortunately didn’t even see this coming, you did not expect it. All of a sudden, you’re put in this position that your partner no longer wants to be with you.

What do you do? And I’ve been on the phone today to two of my beautiful clients, both of them are in that position where they didn’t see that their partner wanted to leave. They thought that everything was all right. I mean, they look back now, and they can see some signs of where their trouble was growing but didn’t think it was a significant issue.

One’s a man and one’s a woman and both of them; unfortunately, they have thought if they just leave it for a little bit, things might turn around. The other person might change their mind. They might realize how lovely and essential they are, has been in structuring and building their life.

Don’t get me wrong. Both of these people are just amazing, amazing people. And they both deserve happiness. So it breaks my heart when I look at them, and I can see they are so lost because they did love their partner. Like every husband and wife should. But if you don’t take steps to address your emotions, what happens is; unfortunately, they unravel and they take over. And we’ve got to learn how to control them. And we’ve got to learn how to use them to keep that forward momentum and keep going in the right direction. And it can be tough, and it can be hard. I don’t say that it’s easy for anyone, but divorce is so hard because of the emotions.

If we could take away all of the emotions, it becomes just like a business transaction. Yeah. It’s just, this is on face value. Let’s just draw everything down the middle, whatever we want to do. And you take this, and I take that, yes, some people can do that. And I know this for a fact. The couples that are very amicable and have decided, well, this just isn’t working for either of us. They’re able to tell emotions out of it, for that reason. They’ve both made the decision that it’s time to go in a different direction and they can still remain friends. Still, it’s time to just move on individually for personal growth or whatever it is that they’re looking for.

Those guys can cut it down the middle. But when the emotions are involved, not only we deal with everything else, we’ve got to deal with our demons personally. 

With have to deal with feeling and emotions we never had before.

And we do not know how to deal with them. That’s why counselling is critical. And make sure you’ve got an excellent support network to help support you because it’s vital to help you get through this. 

And that’s why one of the reasons why divorce is so hard. 

The next one is assets, we work so hard for everything. We go to work, and we give up so much. We give up time with our family and our friends to go. And in many cases, to do a job that we don’t want to do. It’s not like it’s our purpose in life. We’re only doing it because it’s giving us a pay packet.

And unfortunately for those people, I do feel a little bit, sorry. 

I wish everyone had a job like mine, where you go to work, and it’s the reason that you breed that it’s your purpose. All of that, let’s say that mushy stuff, but that’s the job I have. I’m very privileged, but when you go to work, and you just go to work for the dollars, what that means is you can’t become resentful for then splitting it up. Saying things like, hang on, I’ve worked so hard to allow us to build this, and now you want to take a part of it. That’s not sitting really well with me. It happens in a lot of cases with superannuation when people have to split their super. Someone may have been sacrificing, having this dream that their future is going to be better when they retire.

And so they’re doing a little bit more than everyone asked to help them get there. And then all of a sudden that’s gotta be split, and that can leave a sour taste in someone’s mouth, especially if it wasn’t your decision to leave the relationship. 

And then the next reason that divorce is so hard is the cost. And it’s not just a financial cost; it’s also emotional. 

And the cost of divorce can vary from around $10,000 up to $50,000, if not more. And it’s when we look at the emotions when the emotions are so high, and we can’t deal with them, and we become all of those negative things, that’s when the costs get out of hand.

And it’s when someone has an expectation that they’ve poorly treated or it’s just an expectation of deserving. Even though the deserving could just be a story that they’re telling themselves, and it’s what they think. And it’s not what everyone else thinks, but they believe they deserve it.

They will fight very hard to get what they think is this. And to prove a point, they will use emotions, to fight for the assets and that costs them a lot of money. So that’s another reason why divorce it’s so hard because we need to address those things. 

And the next reason would be communication. It’s so hard to communicate. In these situations, there are so many emotions. I’m going through them one by one here, but to talk with someone when emotions are high, and you’re discussing assets and it’s going to cost you something. I think what it does is it can make communication near on impossible.

And for some people that don’t want to communicate at all, they just want to get it over and done with it. And it’s easier to ignore what’s happening or when they do talk, the words that they use are inflammatory. They just want to start a fight because they’re frustrated. And they don’t know how to deal with their own emotions that they put in writing, or onto the other person because they want them to hurt as much as they can.

And sometimes when you read between the lines of how people communicate, it can tell a big story. Sometimes it’s so hard by what’s happened, or they feel regretful or guilty or something like that. Then in the communication, it can come across as something that they really don’t mean. 

And I’m sure later on if they went back and read it in another context, they would understand that it is being perceived whichever way that they didn’t mean. But being able to communicate is a key to a successful divorce. But if you can’t communicate, it makes it really difficult. Really does. And I know it’s hard, but if you are going through a divorce, communication is one of the most excellent tools to remain friends. But it’s hard to put all of your cards on the line. It’s hard to tell your partner how you feel. 

The other thing is, sometimes you feel like you’re at war with a person. And the last thing you want to do is tell them the truth. 

And there’s a lot of hiding about what you feel is going on at this particular time. So because of that, you’re not being your true self. So communication, just another reason that divorce is so hard. 

And then the last one, without a doubt, is identity. And sometimes part of our identity is our family, is the circle of friends, is the house we live in, the car we drive, the business we own. It’s what people think of us. It’s what we do strive so hard to build over many years of marriage. And when it looks like our identity is going to come crumbling down, we fight to save it, and we struggle with whatever we’ve got. And I see this a lot when I’m working with wonderful women, and the husband may have a business.

And the first thing for me is that the husband can keep the business. That’s if the company is not an anchor around their neck. Now, I need to be very careful here because sometimes it’s been the business and the filing business or the pressure of the company that could have been in the demise of the marriage.

But that it’s a question that always has to be asked. Do you really want the business? Is it blood, sweat, and tears that you’ve put into building the success? Is that what you want to keep or is that part of the problem, but identity is vital.

So I want you to ask yourself. What is your identity? For me, my identity was to be a perfect mum. I’m a nurturer, I’m a lover. I am a giver. That’s my identity. And for me, it was just making sure I had children early on. And I looked like I was the perfect wife and mother. That was the identity that I thought I wanted to live. It’s not the identity I have today. And I’ve learned that identities can change and evolve throughout our life. But at the time, that was what I was striving for. I was attempting, and that’s why I stayed longer as I should have because my identity was a successful marriage.

And I’ve spoken about that before, my friends used to say, we looked like we were the hallmark family. That was the identity that I was living. Sometimes divorce can be hard because people don’t want to let go of that. They don’t want to let go of, “I’m a property investor.”

They don’t want to let go of, “I am a husband or a wife with a few children.” They don’t want to let go of “I’m a business owner.” And all of that makes it so hard. Let’s just go back over them. We’ve got the emotions. And then we’ve got the assets, and then the cost, then communication. And then, identity. So these five reasons I that I’ve witnessed and seen that made my divorce so hard to deal. So you might say, okay, Tanya, if that’s why they’re so hard, what should we do about it? I’m going to tell you about that in next week’s podcast. All right, guys, I’ll talk to you then. Bye. For now.

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