Last week we talked about the five key reasons why divorce is so hard for most people. Even when every divorce is unique, those having a hard time are most likely struggling with one of those five. However, it is possible to handle each one of these situations and pay a low emotional and financial cost for our divorce. As promised last week, in this episode, I’ll tell you what the best way to deal with these five reasons that make divorce so hard. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

A quick recap [00:00:30] 

The price we pay for our assets [00:01:30]

Keeping an asset for the wrong reasons [00:03:00]

Why you need to master your frequency and your vibration [00:06:00]

Getting over fear and having a wonderful life experience [00:07:30]

How therapy sessions helped me [00:09:00]

Assets versus liabilities, what works best for you? [00:10:30]

Do your homework, don’t act under emotions [00:12:00]

Helping you find your identity [00:15:00]

The importance of managing our emotions [00:18:00]

Links

Divorce Angel – Episode #79 – Did You Know Your Life Is A Reflection Of You?

https://tanyasomerton.com/did-you-know-your-life-is-a-reflection-of-you/

How To Tell Your Partner, You No Longer Want To Be Married.

https://divorceangel.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1022671

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey there, everyone. Welcome to this week’s podcast. This is part two of Why does divorce have to be so hard? Last week, we discussed the five reasons that, or the five key reasons that I see that most people struggle and why divorce becomes so hard. So let’s just recap what they were. One was emotions and fighting these demons that we never, ever knew that we had. Having these emotions that we’ve never experienced before. And we don’t know what to do. That becomes part of our problem because we are fighting not only with what’s going on externally. We struggle with the house, the kids, the assets and what do we have for dinner. We deal with going to work, we deal with, why we feel so crappy? We’ve got this internal dialogue going on, and we’ve got this whole thing happening with why we feel like this? Come on, smarten up. 

You don’t need to feel like that. You feel scared, lonely and fearful. All of that is happening. And in many, many cases, we’ve never felt anything like this before. We’ve never felt any of these emotions, and we sincerely don’t know how to deal with them. And that becomes part of the problem.

Then the next one is assets. So we’ve strived so hard. We’ve gone to work in what could be seen as just hours for money. So we’re going to work on something that we never thought was our lifelong purpose.

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Just doing a job, getting paid for our hours. Because we’re spending time away from our family, not doing what we love and see is making no difference in the world, we buy assets with that time. And then those assets mean more. We are not only emotionally attached to them. We’ve spent so many hours at a job that we didn’t love that we buy something that becomes the reward for not doing what we see is our purpose in life. Hopefully, that makes sense. 

I regularly see people who do not love their jobs or do not like what they’re doing. And then the ramifications of that, they bring a lot of that home. They don’t like what they’re doing, and they are internally fighting themselves. They’re struggling with I’m spending time away from my family doing something I don’t want to do, paying for an asset that I’ve worked really hard to purchase. It could be, you know, investment, property shares. Every month when you pay those dollars against that car that you’ve always wanted or dreamed of, it means a lot. So you want to fight for it. 

Then the next thing is the cost. In your mind going, Oh my God, I can’t believe how much it’s going to cost to get this done. Why can’t it just be simple? It is because the lawyers and everyone else make it so confusing. The divorce system is complicated, and let’s be honest, there’s no manual or anything like that, other than what I offer. You’ve just got to follow the process. And before you know it, you’ve spent 20, 30, 40, 150 K, who knows, but all of these things so far are why divorce is so hard. 

The next one we spoke about last week was communication. We struggle to communicate with someone we already have all these inner conflicts going on. Someone with we have these battles. It becomes a bit like a war; it’s hard to communicate when you feel like that. 

And then the last one is identity. Suppose you’re fighting to maintain your identity, and you’re still struggling with what your future might look like. In that case, the loss of that identity is just one more thing that people struggled to be in some cases.

So if they’re the five, emotions, assets, cost, communication, and identity, what do we do about simplifying this? How do we try and make it a little bit easier? 

If we look at the first one, emotions, and fighting these demons that we’ve never, ever known were around, what do we do?

And I think the thing here is I use the words fighting, fighting these demons. Let me ask you what if you just allowed them to happen? What if you allowed them to come and visit you? You will let yourself feel what is necessary at the moment. Because maybe there’s a lesson in the emotions. Perhaps it’s your body actually waking up. And all of a sudden, you’ve been numb for so long that the feelings you have, let you know that you are alive. That you’ve got something to fight for. And many people don’t look at it that way. And I think it was about podcasts, 78 or 79, I did a podcast on where your attention is. I think it was called, Did you know your life is a reflection of you? And in that podcast, I talked about mastering your frequency and your vibration and your sound. If you concentrate too much on the negative emotions, what happens is because of the law of attraction, you just bring more of that back to you.

So when I say, just sit with the emotions, understand what they are and why you’re feeling them, and then work through them. 

And sometimes there’s a positive side of why you’re feeling that way. So are you lonely because it’s your body telling you that you need to actually be searching for more?

And is, is that what you’re actually feeling? You could be scared. How do you turn that fear into excitement? How do you make it, wow, even though I’m afraid I’m going to do it anyway? But I’ve talked before about me and the shark diving. And this is not about me by any means, but I’m just using my personal experience.

Because it is possible to learn through other people’s experiences. So, you know, I was petrified, but I did it anyway, and it was one of the greatest things I’ve ever done in my life. So I went from being fearful and scared into, wow, It’s one of the greatest memories. And that’s what I want you to think about when you look at your emotions. Is it just a shakeup? Wake up! I want you to know that I’m here. I want you to reckon that you are still alive. I want you to know that rather than walking around like a zombie, like you may have been doing, you haven’t realized the value of your life gets you to wake up.

Some people are clinically depressed, I am not talking about them. I know there are people like my mom and a few of my clients who need help through medicine, simply because they’d never felt it before and had to deal with it. It doesn’t need to be a longterm thing. Sometimes you need to go to the doctor, and you need to get help. I know that counselling, I kept saying to my GP, no, I’m fine, this was my choice. I don’t need to go and see anyone. And she said, no, you’re going to go and speak to a counsellor.

Like I’d been going to see her for 20 years. So she knew me very well. And I was amazed at when I went to the counsellor. The things that I didn’t even know, I had issues with like my own parents’ divorce. I had no idea that I hadn’t dealt with that. So it was awesome for me what came to light, just in those words.

Therapy sessions and just around what I was fighting for, like the things that I didn’t realize I had caused in the relationship, it was a real light bulb moment. So I recommend that for everyone. 

Then the next one is assets. Now it’s easy for me to say this. It’s harder for people to understand it.

But I often talk to my clients about, look, it’s merely a case of mathematics, it’s assets versus liabilities, and it’s working out what is best for you to keep and why. And when it comes to those assets and liabilities, sometimes we need to think long and hard about the future purpose of an asset that we’re going to keep.

People don’t think of it like that. Sometimes, they think now I’ve got this house. I can’t deal with anything else. I want to stay. They don’t realize the longterm ramifications of what they’re saying. And even when it comes to decisions of a brand in the current market as well, we’ve got the market is in decline.

The property market in certain areas is in decline. And some micro-regions at the moment have seen declines up to eight or 9% already. And if you’re selling an asset right now, you sit there, and you could be contemplating. And I hear this many, many times I’m going to hold onto it until the market improves.

And my question often is, well, how do you know the market’s going to improve? And are you prepared to wipe the amount of time that it takes? Because sometimes we just have to cut our losses and get out. And by doing that, we’re allowing ourselves to move on with our life. And maybe that’s the greatest gift that you can give yourself. When you’ve worked hard for an asset, that conversation and realization can be quite tricky for many people. 

Then the next one is cost. So how do you simplify your cost? And part of that is actioning all of these five key areas that we’ve spoken about: emotions, asset, cost, communication, and identity. If you can manage the other four, you can keep the costs quite low. 

And communication is one of the most significant ways. But combined with communication is emotions. And it is imperative to manage your emotions because when you make decisions based on your emotions, that can be very, very costly.

So you want to make sure that you’re doing your homework. You’re doing it from that side of your decision making brain rather than emotionally going, no, no, I don’t care what you’re going to say. This is what I want. And this is why you haven’t thought it through. 

That’s the costly part of it. You need to master your emotions. You need to make sure that you’ve thought everything through and you’ve got an end plan. 

Having a strategy for your divorce, you hear me say it all the time. Planning is critical, and it’s the strategy that will save you money. Now, communication is next. On my website, I have a course on how to communicate with your ex, especially when you’re leaving. 

Making sure right from the word go if you’re the person that’s instigating leaving the relationship. You do it from a place of love and kindness, and you don’t blame each other.

And this is the key also because when you bring in emotions, you communicate at a very destructive level. You can say things that at that particular stage when you feel so hurt, and you’re fighting these demons of feelings that you’ve never seen it felt before.

You can say things that maybe you don’t feel, you can say something at the moment because your day’s been awful or someone’s cut you off. Or you had to wait longer in the supermarket than you thought because the checkout person is taking longer, whatever. Before we know it, the last point of coal for us is that all of this verbal diarrhea comes out of our mouth. That really, maybe we didn’t think about. And we probably don’t mean, but sometimes once the words are said that can’t be taken back. 

We’ve gotta be careful with what we say we really do. Because it can, it can have a fix. If you really feel it, and you need to say it. It’s how you say it, that’s the key. And communication will allow you to have a long-lasting relationship when your divorce is over, to manage the children or whatever else you might have in your life.

Now, the last one is identity, and I spoke about this last week. My identity was, at that time, to be a mother. And I strive to be the best mother I could be. I remember I must’ve been about 13 years old and my mum once said to the neighbour, I think I’m going to be the youngest grandmother there is. She said that because I was so clucky, I had a little brother at that time, my youngest brother and I are 10 years apart and I just babysit him.

And then everyone in the cohort, when I was younger, all had kids, and I’d go around and babysit all the kids. I was just so clucky, I was nurtured, you know, that I just love have to nurture and care for people. And that was my identity. What I had to do in my new life was still use those identities or critical things that were important to me.

And I’m going to give you a trick on how to learn or realize what it is for you. And this was a tool I learned many years ago. It was going around and asked 10 family members, the kids, your best friends could even be someone at work and ask them to tell you what they like the most about you.

It’s pretty hard to do, but what happens is you start to see a common thread. You begin to see people saying the same things over and over again. And when I did this little exercise, when I was working at the airport, people would say to me, you so free with your time. You go over and above. If anyone’s ever got a personal situation, they tell you. I would have the CEO, other managing directors that would say to me things, personal things that they wouldn’t tell anyone else.

Well, I’ve always had that gift that people would trust me, that they would tell me things. And so if you think about it today in what I do for a job, people are telling me their most private secrets and how they feel.

And I’m blessed that they trust me with that information. 

So when I think about it, I’ve been doing that for a long time. That was just part of my identity. And I’ve used some of those things that the people told me about. 

Then go, okay, how do I now use that to continue to have the sign part of my identity? That’s important to use it to build the rest of my life, and that’s what I’ve done. So I highly recommend that for you, if you’re really struggling and feeling lost and worried about what your identity is, just do that. Go around to 10 people, if not 10, even five, but ask them. Tell me something, or tell me the essential things you see in my personality that are special about me. That’s where you start to find the goal because sometimes we just can’t say it in ourselves. 

Let’s just recap. We’ve got emotions, so we want to try and, if we can, to make divorce more straightforward. We want to manage our emotions. And we want to just allow them to be, we want to notice them. We want to understand what they’re telling us, and we want to be able to master them so we can use them for good, not bad. 

Many people try and suppress them rather than asking themselves, what is it that this is telling me? What do I need to know? 

Then the next one is assets and making sure that you have a clear understanding of what your assets are and have a strategy around why you should keep something or why you should sell it. 

The costs, making sure that if you can manage all of these other four, that you can keep the costs low. And having an excellent team, even, you know, give me a call, happy to help. This is my area of expertise. 

The next one is communication. Managing what you say and understanding that words have consequences. 

Then identity. As I said, go and use my little tip. Go and ask 10 people to tell you what you are, what you’re so good at, and see how you can use those things to build a career or a future around. That is the framework, those essential things that you’re good at.

They’re embedded in your identity, and that’s what makes you, the person you are. How do you build on them to have a secure future? Okay, my darlings that’s it for this week. I hope that this has made sense and helped you out as it has with many others. And I’m sure you know, I’m here for you. If you need anything, just book a call, send me an email, and I’m happy to help.

Bye for now.

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