One of the things I see many clients struggle with and something I’ve struggled with myself during my divorce is the fear of losing status. The car we drive, the school our kids attend, our lifestyle, in general, might be unsustainable by our own means after the divorce. The fear of losing all that might make us prolong a relationship that is already over, causing us extreme pain. 

In this episode, we will talk about why taking that decision is so painful and what we can expect once we decide to shape our future.

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

Losing status never looks good at the beginning [00:03:00] 

A little story about how my status “changed” right now [00:06:00] 

What an old car can show us about ourselves [00:09:00] 

The void of keeping our status regardless of our unhappiness [00:12:00] 

All of us have a choice to make [00:15:00] 

Links

Restore Me – Waiting List

https://www.tanyasomerton.com/RMWaitList

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey everyone. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. I’m really excited to be here with you today. And I hope that your week has been at least a little bit fruitful. At least you’re heading in the right directions, whatever that might be, even though you might be struggling or you might be feeling a little bit overwhelmed at the moment.

Because it’s easy to think that we’re not getting anywhere when we’re overwhelmed. But the exciting thing is when you’re overwhelmed, it means that you’ve got so much to do. And in your mind, you’re putting things together to head in the right direction, to get to where you really want to get to.

That’s important because I want to talk about why is this so painful?

READ MORE

And when I’m talking to people on the phone when we have clarity calls, it breaks my heart sometimes because some people are in so much pain. I’m so empathic that sometimes I literally feel their pain, and I know what they’re going through because I can feel it legitimately.

So one client last week, I could tell that she had dreadful butterflies. She was so nervous and scared because, for some reason, just through her voice, I could feel her pain. And I said to her, tell me, is this how you’re feeling right now? And she said, yes, now I can do that on many occasions. 

And the reason is I’ve been through it all; literally, I’ve been through so much, but I don’t dwell on it. 

I don’t for one minute think that it was terrible. I use it all as the stepping stones to move me to where I need to go, and I don’t fit it. You know, you would never, ever hear me say that my life has been challenging or anything like that. I use each of the adversities that I’ve been through to help me; let me know then I can always get through whatever is thrown my way, but if we go back to why is this so painful? I want to talk today about status. 

The status could be related to identity a little bit, and we’ve done a little bit of work around identity on the podcast. So, you know, especially in my Restore Me program, we talk a lot about identity.

Identity is essential when we’re trying to get to where we need to be. So to be who you want to be, you have to act that way. And so identity is very, very important in terms of getting the life that you want. But when we talk about status, I want to talk about status. Pre break up or during your breakup, or even you might even be after your breakup right now.

And status is something, you know, obviously, we all have a status. We’ve, we’ve seen it before we look around the suburbs. We, you know, the world is broken into different categories, different status of people. But the thing is, when you’re making a decision. What happens is you’re thinking to yourself, or you’re considering, is this decision going to increase my status or decrease it?

The exciting thing with marketing is this is something that they often contemplate. When marketers are considering a new product or service, they’re going to look at. How that product or service is going to improve someone’s status. And as we all know, the marketing industry, it’s a juggernaut they spend means and millions of dollars working on, um, people’s mindsets, psychology, how, how they’re thinking, subconscious beliefs, all of those sorts of things.

They bring them together into a formula to be able to get us to buy things. But the same is true for every decision that we make. But right now, when I’m talking about status, I’m not referring to how others see you. I’m referring to how you see yourself. Almost every decision you have made in your life evolves around status, whether you know it or not; what school did you go to?

What school did you kids go to? Who did you marry, who did you break up with? Where do you live? What car do you drive? What career do you make? 

All of those things revolve around status. The questions we ask ourselves because they tied to our identity. All of these things are bound to level. Almost every decision you’ve made has been made because of the subconscious question you’ve asked yourself. And that question is, if this thing I’m considering doing, is it going to increase my status or decrease it? So just as a bit of story here, I drive a Mercedes. And I’ve had my car for a few years now. And you could say that it’s the status of me recently.

My husband had an incident where his car blew up, and because of the used car market and the actual new car market here in Australia at the moment, we can’t get the new car that we’ve just ordered for anywhere between five to eight weeks. So my husband doesn’t have a car, so he’s driving my car to work.

Now he’s a thing. He works on a construction site. So when he drives up to work or the guys on the site, by the habit, go about driving his Mercedes to work well, then they asked, wow, that’s an excellent car for someone like you to drive because he used to have a massive four-wheel drive. 

Every little bit of fruit you could expect that someone like he would have now, conversely, because he’s driving my car, I’m driving a car that a friend has lent us. Now, this friend has lent us a, I think it’s about a 23-year-old car that he paid $500 for now. Does the cargo? Yes, it does. But then, when I don’t drive down the street, and I get in and out of the car, all of a sudden, my status has changed because I’m no longer getting out of my Mercedes.

I’m now getting out of this old Ford that, you know, looks like it’s had a bit of a rough life, but at the end of the day, it gets me where I need to go. My husband can still go to work until we wait for the new car. But that right there comes back to our status and our identity for him turning up to work.

He feels uncomfortable driving the car because it doesn’t relate to the status or the identity of who he is. And then the same for me. Now you might be saying, well, why isn’t he driving the old Ford? Well, that’s the problem. I only drive very short kilometres. If I work from home, he has to go nearly two hours every day to and from work.

So he needs to have a reliable car, but these today were very interested because I was working through, you know, noticing what people were looking at and knowing what, this is the thing. That’s when I realized no, one’s actually even looking at the car I’m driving. No one even cares about what I’m going because it’s not a bad thing.

It’s me who sit in the car, that’s driving along, and it’s stinted sides, and it’s got, you know, one ring missing and whatever the case might be. But at the end of the day, it’s feeling a need. I’m so grateful that our friend lent it to us because it just makes their life so much easier, but it reminded me just how status is so important to each and every one of us.

When we decide when making that decision on how it affects us, will it, will it increase our status or not? So when we’re going through or what you might be going through right now, before you make a decision either to leave your relationship, you’re going to work through it in your mind. How is it going to change my status?

Because what we’re looking for, when we’re talking about status, we’re asking ourselves, will this increase our intelligence? Will it give us any form of power in our life? Will it increase our wealth? Will we look better? So what will our physical appearance look like? The style that we have, because we all have a class, but most of all, when it comes to people who have gone through a separation and a divorce, comes back to happiness.

How will this decision improve or make my life worse? If I make this decision that might decrease your status, cause a balancing act in your mind. You’ve probably banged it. It’s like this tug of war. Should I leave my bed? If I’m late, then I don’t have the financial means that I have right now, but if I stay, I’m gonna stay unhappy.

So do you go or do you stay. And that is where the whole thing about status will come in. So many people will last so much longer than they need to simply because of the financial means. Ultimately, when the pain of unhappiness gets too much, they’re prepared to give up the financial means because happiness is so much more valuable to them.

They get to a point where the decision is. I just can’t do this. I would prefer to have no money and be happy than to stay and be unhappy. Now that’s a massive decision, you know, having this tug of war in your mind, going back and forth and research says that this can go on for anywhere between two to five years before things get so bad that someone actually makes a decision.

The tug of war, whether it be the happiness or the financial means, just continually wins. Every time you go through the questions you’re asking yourself, everything leads back to either happiness or the financial means. So with the future looking brighter, will it be for a short period and you so good, the future gain in status eventually.

And that’s where most of us get to. So in my case, I had the financial means for some time. But I just had this void in my gut, and I knew I couldn’t live with it anymore. Like the void, he was so painful, physically hurt from it, even though I could see anything and there was nothing there, it was just this energy, this emotion that made me feel so empty, even though I was in a house full of people.

That I made the decision. I was prepared to give up the happiness status’s financial status, and I knew it would only be for a short period. I knew that he found was happy. Then other things in my life would come together. I would have more opportunity. I would make different people. Who knows.

Anyway, I’m evidence. I look back now, and I have proof that my decision was the right one for me. And no one can ever make your decision for you, but I’m letting you know right now if the status is something you’re concerned about. And I was one of them. I put my hand up now and say that I drove the house I lived in, my status and the car.

And all of that had to do with me prolonging and staying in my relationship longer than I probably should have. And one day, when I finally did build the life that I really wanted to, that’s when I brought my calm because I knew that I’d made it; I did it myself. I got my car as the prize. So my Mercedes was the price that I’ve given myself.

After I left my relationship, every built my life. I did my business. I need my kids. Well, they’re all happy and off my hand. So I’ve got some extra money. So I don’t want you to think that I’m saying to you, Oh, look at Tanya. She drives this car. I’m telling you because it’s possible. I’m telling you because you can do it too.

I’m telling you that just because right now, your status is one thing or might be another thing. And you’re too scared to do something because you’re worried that your status might change. You can always get to where you need to go. Just another way you can make a decision and the status, what Eva that is to you.

It could just be a little bit different for a short period. You had the mains; you have the ability. All of us do it’s in each, and every one of this, each of us has a choice to make. We can pretend like we can’t do anything. Still, if you pretend that you can’t do anything, the only person holding you back from whatever it is that you were here to do is you. You are giving your power of why you would giving your control to someone or something else.

Inside you, they are the ability to be and do whatever it is that you want. And you might say, Tanya. It’s not possible. I can’t do whatever I want. And imagine if he couldn’t do everything, but at least you could do half of it. Is that better than whatever these that you are dealing with right now?

Each of you listening has a different issue has other problem, but we all need to get to wherever it is that we need to go. And it’s not impossible. Oh, I’ve loved the phrase. It says impossible means I’m possible. And that’s, that’s just if you’re possible. You can do whatever you want to do.

You just have to change your status for that short period. When you change your identity and start being who it is, you need to bait. So if that’s a happy person, just being a happy person becomes your status and everything starts to fall into place. That’s when life gets exciting. That’s when life gets good.

So that seems to me this week, I hope, it’s just a little bit of a pep talk, but I just want you to understand, just let me driving, driving forward at the moment, just for a short period. It’s not if I just have to do it long enough, and when I get whatever it is, I’ll get at the end of that short period.

I’m gonna appreciate getting it back. When my car comes back, I’m getting enjoy it so much. I’ve gone from driving something ancient and claggy doesn’t pick up not a nice car to drive. When I get back in my car, I’m just going to appreciate every minute of it.

And you’ll be the same when you get the launch that you want. You’re going to hopping the driver’s seat, and you’re going to be so grateful. You’re going to be thankful for everything you’ve gone through to get to where you’re going. Cause that road, that freedom, when you get behind the steering wheel, and you go where you need to go, wow.

It’ll be fantastic. Your life will be unique. Okay. My friends, that’s it for me this week, and I’ll talk to you soon. Bye. For now.

 

Recent Episodes

Letting Go

Wanting always more and working hard to get better is a worthy journey all of us should embark on. But sometimes, it can be a dangerous trip; we might get too...

read more

It’s Ok To Be Scared

In many situations, fear can keep us alive or give us the strength necessary to overcome specific challenges. It is an instinctive reaction that kept alive...

read more

Follow Us

About  |  Terms  |  Contact