Getting a divorce is a little bit more complicated than just going to a lawyer. We will need emotional support, legal support, financial support and of course, life support. A tough journey lays in front of us, and it is our choice to get to the other side either severely wounded or stronger and wiser. Listen to my latest podcast episode and discover why leaving a marriage is never easy. 

Let’s get into it

Timestamps

Divorce doesn’t need to be as complicated as we make it [00:02:10]

The moment you feel its time to move on [00:04:00]

How we hear advice / How we should hear it [00:05:00] 

The relevance of pre-work [00:07:00]

Do we communicate properly? [00:09:00]

What is it that we want out of our life? [00:11:30]

Like peeling an onion [00:13:30]

Links

5 Steps To A Seamless Divorce

https://divorceangel.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1008392

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey guys, I’m happy to be back with you here. I hope you haven’t had a bad week since we last spoke. Time seems to fly since we’re in this isolation, but it is what it is. 

I wonder what’s going to happen in years to come when people look back at these times in our lives. It is going to be like when we talk about the great depression in the early 19 hundreds? What are they going to say about how we coped in this situation? 

I wish things got better for you because it’s hard going through a divorce or going through a relationship breakup dealing with this on top of it, it’s next level. You need to congratulate yourself, and I want you to understand that what you’re going through is okay. Whatever feelings you’re having, let it come out. Work with them because it’s not normal times right now. Don’t be upset about how you feel. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Just go with the flow, we’ll all get through this together. We’re here to help you, okay? 

In this episode, I wanted to talk about why leaving a marriage is never easy. And anyone who says that it is is lying because it’s not. There is so much to do! Divorce doesn’t need to be as complicated as we make it. The truth is we make it more complicated than it needs to be. 

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In my five steps to a seamless divorce, there are three pillars. And those three pillars have been worked around what I see as the biggest issue in the divorce ecosystem. It is not as simple as turning out to a lawyer. It’s much more than that. We’ve got to have emotional support, legal support, financial support, and most of all, we need to have life support. We need to have someone to talk that let us know that what we are doing is the right thing for our future. Because whether you’ve decided to leave, or your partner has said that it’s not working for them anymore, or if together have decided that it’s time to move on. We need to think about how it is going to be our future. And it’s that picture that we have in our minds. That’s what keeps us going. It’s what get us up. It’s what we’re searching in the unhappiness that was our marriage. 

It’s interesting because it might not be something that you can see.

It might be something that you feel. You might have this feeling that there’s something better out there. You might feel that you know that life was meant to be more than what you’re living, and because of that, that’s enough for you to know it’s time to go, to move on, and to make life better.

In my five steps to a seamless divorce, there are three pillars. There’s the expert team, which are emotional support, legal support, financial support, and life support. But then there’s the insight. You need to have the insight into what’s going on when you are going through your divorce, and that is talking to someone that’s had an experience. Get some advice from someone that can teach you what they did wrong, and this is the key, whenever you’re taking advice from someone, don’t listen to only the positive side. Ask them, if you had your time again, what would you do differently? Because that’s such a critical question, and ask yourself, is that something that you would ever ask someone?

Years ago, when someone was giving me advice, I would listen to all of the positive reasons. I didn’t want to listen to the negatives, but it’s the negatives where we learned. The things that they would have done differently. Between their experience and their knowledge, that’s what can help you. But you also want to find out about proven results, then you would ask, how was your outcome? 

The thing with divorce is interesting because it’s not like a marathon or a race where you’ve got everyone at the starting line at the same time and the distance is the same. Yet you know who’s the fastest or who’s the slowest, because you’ve got certain KPIs or certain measurements in place to be able to work out who was the best in a divorce. There are no certain criteria, and that’s a problem when it comes to measuring someone’s divorce. The thing that we like to do is to make sure how much was our legal bill compared to the opposite side. It’s always interesting to see the difference in legal bills, and we have been up to 60% cheaper than our client’s partner.

That is thanks to the work that our clients do before going to the lawyer. They’re doing a lot of pre-work, they’ve got their procedures in place. They know that mucking around is going to cost them money. They know to call their lawyer every time they have a question costs money. So let’s have all of that stuff sorted out at the front end before we employ them. Those are the things that we want to see when we’re talking about proven results. And then we want structured thinking. What is it that you want out of this relationship breakup? What do you want to achieve? Not only financially, but emotionally, as in parenting agreements. Have you thought through what you want? 

The biggest thing is communication. Because when you’re going through a divorce, not only you need to communicate with your team, you also need to be able to communicate with your ex-partner. Or it could be your in-laws or it could be other friends. There’s always some issue, some fire that you’re having to put out, and communication sometimes, especially when you’re tired, you’re emotional, you’ve had enough, or you don’t know how much more you can take. Under those criteria, communication skills are never good. It’s important to be able to understand how to communicate. What are the best ways to communicate? And the other thing is when not to communicate. Because you might say something that you could regret, maybe that you haven’t thought through a decision long enough, and you need to contemplate the consequences.

Communication is a critical skill. And we all think that we’ve got it. We all think we can communicate, but I can tell you, we know through research that we’ve done with our clients and through research made by scientists, if I was to say to you, look, here are a hundred words I’ve put together in a sentence, and I’ve spoken them to you, you’re not going to listen to those hundred words.

What you’re going to do is you’re going to take out the keywords that resonate with your emotions. So it’s a bit like when you go to buy a new car, and you’ve never seen one before, but all of a sudden the road seems to be filled with the same, the model and colour that you’ve just purchased. That’s what happens when we’re talking to someone and we don’t communicate appropriately. You need to be sure that you’re both on the same page, and whether that’s with your ex, or whether that’s with the people that you’re hiring, you need to make sure that you’ve got really good communication skills.

And then the other part under this pillar is managing time effectively and making sure that you are getting as much as you can get done. And this will come down to values and what your values are because we’ll always try and make sure that we do what suits us the best, even if it’s not something that we’re not going to benefit us. We’re going to do it because it’s easy, it’s what we do. So that comes under insight. 

And then, the third pillar in our five steps to a seamless divorce is a deeper purpose. And all of these three things together combined are what will get you a good divorce outcome. When we go to pillar three, which is a deeper purpose, we’re talking about peace, power, and prosperity. What is it that we want out of our life? How are we going to generate this peace that we’re seeking? The power to make our own decisions and to make sure that our life is heading in the direction we want. And then the prosperity. Prosperity can be several things. It doesn’t need to be wealth, it can be other things. Everyone is different, and we spoke before about values, and depending on your values is what you see as prosperity in your life. And then something key is life alignment. Are you doing what it is that you want to do with your life? If not, how do you bring that all together?

Community and support are vital because we love to be part of a bigger picture. We always want to have a community around us.

It is important, if you’re going through a divorce, that you’ve got people that you can trust on your side, that you know will have your back. Because it’s a time of real reflection when you’re going through a divorce. And so many people will say, and this has happened to me myself, you think your friends are your friends until something happens. When you’re going through this period in life, the people that you really thought were your friends will either disappear because they’re not, or the people that you never thought had your back, will step up and, all of a sudden, you will realize that they were more of a friend than you thought they were.

The other thing with this pillar in the five steps to a seamless divorce is accessing intuition because there’s something inside of you. It doesn’t need to be spiritual. I’m talking about accessing your intuition and knowing when you’re making a decision, something inside of you tells you that you are making the right choice. That’s accessing intuition.

To have a successful divorce or separation is like peeling an onion. We’re removing a layer of the onion and, the deeper you get inside of an onion, the softer and juicier it becomes. In the outside, it’s dried up, like paper. We’re removing that outside layer and as we get deeper inside, we’re getting to the nuts and bolts, to the flesh, to the sweet part. It’s inside there that you’re going to have the life that you want, but to do it properly, you must have these three pillars in place. So if you’re doing this by yourself, I want you to make sure that you have the right expert team. That you have the insight into what it is that you want to achieve. That you’ve addressed your communication skills. That you know about effective time usage. And then, over and above, that that you’ve got a deeper purpose, that you know how is your life alignment, that you’re accessing your intuition. When you bring all of those three pillars together, you will end up in an amazing position. To say the word amazing when you’re going through a divorce seems ridiculous, but I’m promising you if you can address these pillars you will have a successful outcome. If you’d like to know more about the Five steps to a seamless divorce, you can get onto my website and have a look.

You’re only getting one chance at this. Make sure that you get it right. We only have one life and we want to live it to the best that we possibly can. It does not need to be harrowing.

It does not need to be terrible. And as I said at the start, the reason that divorce is so difficult is that we humans make it difficult. We need to streamline it. We need to know that there’s a process behind it and get it done as easily as possible. 

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