There is a long list of details we need to take care of when we are getting a divorce, and worrying about what other people think should be at the bottom of that list. There is nothing we can do to change what others think about us and wasting time thinking about it only makes us paralyzed and keep us stuck.

Listen to this episode of the Divorce Angel podcast and learn where you should put your energy during a divorce, and where you should not. 

Let’s get into it

Timestamps

You’re always going to upset someone [00:02:00]

What happens when we get lawyers and emotions involved [00:03:00]

Like a boxing match [00:05:00] 

The language we use [00:07:00]

Elvis, his talent and his looks [00:08:30]

Your greatest supporters [00:10:00]

Be alert to new opportunities [00:12:00]

What would your children think? [00:14:30]

Control the narrative [00:15:00]

Links

The Action Centre

https://divorceangel.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1008391

Podcast Episode #34 – When Should I Take Off My Wedding Ring?

https://tanyasomerton.com/when-should-i-take-off-my-wedding-ring/

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey everyone, and welcome back to the divorce angel podcast. Can you believe it? How many weeks have we been in lockdown?

It doesn’t matter where we are in the world. It seems to be through every country and we’re all struggling. We’ve been locked up for a long time, and there is no end in sight. I suppose until we get a cure for Coronavirus. But if you’re listening to this episode in years to come, it’s been an exciting time for a lot of us, and we’re getting through it.

[00:01:28]

Hopefully, we all come out of this as better people and as a happier society. What I wanted to talk about today is why worrying about what others think is keeping you stuck. It’s such a great topic because a while ago someone said to me, well, how do I tell everyone that we’re getting a divorce? What do I say? 

The truth of the matter is it doesn’t matter what you say. You’re always going to upset someone. There’s going to be always someone that’s not happy with how you’ve said it, or what you’ve said because people feel they have to pick one side. They might believe what your partner is saying more than they believe you.

[00:02:15] 

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Everyone’s interpretations and stories that they tell themselves have some form of bearing on how they receive information. At what point during the divorce process or the separation process, you start telling people, and how exactly do you tell them about such a life-changing event? You can’t just go out and have pomp and ceremony and say, guess what? I’m getting a divorce.

I think I’ve talked about this previously in a podcast. I had a friend and they owned a reception centre. And he was saying divorce parties were becoming big. Big as Deb’s, not as big as weddings, but big as Deb’s and those sort of things.

[00:03:03] 

There’d be black flowers. He told me about one party where the woman had invited all of her ex-husband’s friends to come around and celebrate. In my eyes, how everyone ends their relationship is up to them. The funny thing is divorce doesn’t need to be hard. We make it hard. If we could take away all of the emotion from what needs to be done, we could get it done quickly. But by the time we involve the lawyers, and we get emotional, before we know it, we’re living in a pool of shit.

[00:03:56] 

If I could say to someone, if you make this decision, these are going to be the consequences. I’m going to put you in a time machine and send you forward two or three years, and I want you to look back at what you did and think, did you do everything the right way? And if you did everything the right way, is there anything you would do better? Even still, if I can get people to think like that, what happens is their decisions are different because being reactive costs. It costs money, it costs time, and our emotions become rampant. And when they’re rampant, we make bad choices. So think about it.

Whatever you’re going through right now, in two years, or three years, or five, or 10 years, would you look back and think, did I do that in the best way I possibly can? Because here’s the kicker, if you didn’t say or do something, would your ex-partner have retaliated the way they did?

[00:05:11] 

It’s like a boxing match. If no one throws a punch in a boxing ring, then there’s no fight. But someone throws a punch, the other person has to throw a punch back until someone’s knocked out and someone wins. Why does it have to be like that? Why can’t it be civil? Why throwing a party and having black roses, inviting your ex-husband’s mates? Why do we have to rub it in our faces like that? Why can’t we just be happy thinking it didn’t work out? Let’s move on and let’s have a bigger and better life. Why do we have to be so vindictive and nasty? Yet, not everyone is like that.

[00:05:57] 

A very small majority is not like that. But if we were like that small majority, what would happen? There would be no job for lawyers. It would be no need for judges because we will not need them. I’m working with a couple at the moment, and they have everything done within a two-month timeframe. They’ve sat down and done a spreadsheet. And the reason is because they know there’s a bigger picture. If I could get everyone to think like that, the outcome would be so different. Because when we started, and this client had her separation conversation with her husband, she started from a place of being amicable and grateful for everything that they’d built together. 

[00:07:00] 

The language she used and the way she spoke to him, prevent him from being bombastic or nasty, or vindictive. And for those of you who haven’t left your relationship yet, if you want to know more about how we did that talk, or how I coached her through that, go to my website and have a look on the action centre, which is under programs. The action centre is free. It has got a whole lot of free resources there. It is a seven video series program in there on how to tell your husband, or your wife, that you want to separate. There are videos and a workbook to help you get through it. 

You should start from a place of being amicable because that’s what it’s all about. It gets me so inspired because if I can get more people to start at the beginning in the right way, then it will end in the right way too. 

We worry about what everyone else thinks. There’s this clip that I’ve watched, and it’s got Elvis Presley in it. He’s overweight, and he is at the end of his career. He’s playing the piano, he’s sweating, you can see that his belly is bursting. He’s bright red, and he starts singing Unchained melody, and his voice is still beautiful. When he sings, the audience is amazed by this man’s skills.

[00:08:48] 

But when you read the comments, people were commenting on his overweight. What I’m trying to say here is the man had a voice that made people feel joy. People felt differently because music can move us and change our thoughts and how we feel. And even though he was able to do that, people still looked at him, commented on his appearance, even though the songs brought joy and made people smile. 

In other words, you can’t please everyone, even if you are the best at what you do. Let me repeat that. It doesn’t matter, even if you are the best at what you do, everyone will still have an opinion on what you do and how you do it. Keeping that in mind, if you are going to start to tell people that you are separating, what’s the best way to go about it? Number one is the people that you least expect, maybe are the greatest supporters.

[00:10:06] 

My advice is to talk about your separation when you’re ready. There are no rules around this. The people that you least expect, could be your greatest supporters. There’s a lot of stigma around separation and divorce. The truth is, it is people’s interpretations. And sometimes, outside factors and opinions aren’t always true and can cloud people’s decisions. I want you to step back and reframe this time of your life as a big pace of life-changing news. 

Imagine if you were talking to someone about a big promotion at work, or maybe being diagnosed with an illness. With who would you share this news? Who would give you the reaction and support that you want and need? Chances are pretty good that those same people that you would tell about this life-changing news, will also going to be the people that are going to support you through your divorce process. 

The next one is unexpected opportunities can arise when you tell people that you’re about to get divorced. 

[00:11:23] 

I witnessed it myself, and I’ve seen it with some clients. When you start to inform your network about your divorce, sometimes it can lead to these unanticipated outcomes. Such as people at work might all of a sudden have a pipeline of friends or opportunities, that they never put forward to you before because they didn’t think it was something that you would be interested. 

And now knowing that you’re going through a separation, they might think twice and go, this is an opportunity that might suit X or Y because their circumstances are changing. 

And I’ve seen people that have been able to house it in some of the most amazing properties because they’re single, and they are moving out of their house. So a great opportunity arises. Or an interstate posting, or it could even be something along the lines of you aren’t getting put forward for a job.

Your family is your number one responsibility, and then because you’re now getting divorced or separated, there’s an opportunity for you to be able to do something different in the role that you’re currently doing, and you could get promoted into a different position. And I know that sounds bad in this day and age, but I’ve seen that happen. 

 [00:13:00] 

Opportunities can arise when you least expect it. And sometimes the bad at the moment can turn into something good because another opportunity can present itself. 

I want you to avoid going out with pomp and ceremony. There’s nothing to celebrate. When you rebuild your life, that’s a real point of celebration. That’s a point where you can go, yes, I turned my life around. I’ve turned this terrible situation into something worth celebrating. That’s a whole different kettle of fish. 

The best way is to release the information little by little, taking your time so that you get used to your new situation. You’re going to repeat this story over and over again, so make sure that you are controlling the narrative around what you say and how you say it. 

If you were to say something in a room and he or she was standing there, what would you want them to hear, and what would you say? There is another good test for this, especially if you’ve got children.

[00:14:31]

What would you want your children to think about their parents? Because they love both of you no matter what. What would they say if they heard what you said? It’s a litmus test for you. 

Another great way of doing this, especially safe, is around Christmas time or birthdays, or special occasions like that. If you were to send out a card and you do have children, a great way of announcing, or telling people that you’re now separated, could be by putting your name and the children’s names, without your ex-partner. That’s going to start a conversation. Maybe you don’t need to start it. Someone else might contact you and said, look, I noticed on the card this is what happened. 

Even with social media and things like that today, we change our status from married to it’s complicated. I’ve previously done a podcast on when is the right time to take off your wedding ring. Both of these podcasts coincide with each other and could be helpful for you.

It’s a tough time, make sure you control the narrative because as I said, you’re going to repeat this, which isn’t going to be very nice. It will bear you down by the end, but make sure that you say it from a place of truth, not from a place of how you feel. Stick to the facts. 

There might be certain people that you can talk and you can let your guard down, but just be mindful of who you tell and what you say because it can get around. Worrying about what other people think is going to keep you stuck. Just remember that you’re never going to please everyone.

[00:16:34] 

You’ve made this decision on your terms. Or you found yourself in this position, and now you need to make sure that everything you do moving forward is what’s gonna make you happy. Because when you’re happy, the people around you are happy. So that’s it for this week. Hopefully, you’ve enjoyed it and I’ll talk to you again soon. Bye.

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