After a tough couple of weeks, I’ve realized that even when life put us in dark places, there is something positive we can get from it. We might torture ourselves overthinking what would have happened if we acted differently, or how our life would be different if we hadn’t choose what we chose. Sometimes, the best choice is to shut all that chatter in our heads, connect with our feelings and be alone with our thoughts. Maybe in silence, we might listen to the answer we are looking.

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

The body talks, we should listen to it [00:01:30]

The pressure goes up [00:03:00]

I think I had experienced this feeling before [00:06:00] 

One more pull [00:07:30]

What I wrote in my diary [00:10:30] 

Letting go of the heavy baggage [00:12:00]

The message I’ve got [00:13:30]

Links

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Transcription

Hey there, everyone, welcome to this week’s podcast. I don’t know where to start this week. I have found these memes on Facebook where they say, I want a refund from 2020. So if you’re listening to this podcast and you’re not in the year 2020. Just let me explain what’s going on right now. Not only in our society, not only in our country, but the world, is in a position in time, which for me, and the years I’ve been on this earth, I’ve never seen. And I’m the sort of person that I can feel the energy. When I’m talking to someone, I can feel their pain, I can look in their eyes and see how hurt are they.

And maybe it’s one of the gifts that I have that make me so good at helping people through the challenging time of getting divorced. When I worked at the airport, my life was in danger, and I had a risk assessment because of my role at the airport. I had to control unfavourable people who were doing things wrong and breaking the law. And when I would come in contact with these people, the hairs on the back of my neck would stand up. And it was something that I learnt to trust. I would get a feeling in my stomach, and I just learned to listen to what my body was telling me. I tried to remove what my brain was saying.

My brain was saying, you’ve got people around you, nothing’s going to happen. But something inside of me would say, Tanya, step back, move away. And one of these guys that I would step away from, later on, threw a Molotov cocktail into one of my staff members. And that proved to me that I needed to listen to what was going on in my body. I’m telling you that story to give you an idea of what I am feeling now. 

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The world is in a dark place. And that puts next level pressure on people. We feel that pressure in our homes, in our schools, in our business life, in our communities. It’s heavy.  And on top of all that, there’s been a lot of sadness that’s happened. So for me, in the last few weeks, my youngest brother in law has passed away unexpectedly. We have been completely and utterly shocked about it.

And this is just gone to add to what I am feeling. I was sitting around because sometimes I need to sit and listen to what it is that I need to hear. I’m not being woo-hoo or anything like that. But sometimes when I’m quiet, when I’m with myself, the answers just come to me, whatever that is.

And I’ve watched my inlaws and my husband suffer terribly, I needed to be there and support them. And I also had my own grief of what’s happened. 

The shock of my brother-in-law passing away and not being able to see him again, not being able to laugh with him again. And all of the special moments that we had because he was a very, very funny bugger, to not have him anymore in my life really meant that I had to think long and hard.

About not only what he brought to my life and the value that he brought to my life, but I started to wonder how we work so hard. We go about things day in, day out, and we do it because we think that we’re building something bigger and better in our lives. And then you wonder, what is it all for? What is it all about? Why am I doing this?

And going back to where I started this conversational loop a few minutes ago, the correlation between death and divorce feels so familiar to me. The feelings that I’ve felt in the last few weeks feel so familiar to what I went through when I was divorcing my first husband—the feeling of being aimless.

The heaviness on my shoulders, I couldn’t shake it—the feeling in my gut. I can’t describe what the feeling was, but I was so aware of it every minute of the day, these dense feelings. And it reminded me of when I was mindful of the emotions, and I was trying to shake them.

And I kept saying to myself, come on, Tanya, you’ve got to restart, get back to where you were before this happened to James, which was my brother. Go back to where you were. 

And I realized I was mourning, and I realized I was struggling, but I was just trying to get over it again. I was trying to restart. And it reminded me of when I was a little girl, my grandfather used to repair mowers all the time, and I would see him pulling the cord. Then he’d pull again, and again, and sometimes, they’d turn over.

And then all of a sudden one big pull and the thing would start. And that’s what I was sensing. Every time I was trying to shake it off. I was telling to myself, come on one more pull, one more pull, and you’ll be back to normal. But why is this important to you?

Well, it’s important to you because I want you to understand that you will get over it, and you will get through it. What you’re dealing with right now, there is no doubt, is precisely the same as mourning the loss of someone extraordinary in your life. There’s no doubt that you are crying the future that you thought you were going to have.

And maybe you need to show yourself a little bit of love. Don’t be hard on yourself. Don’t try and think that you’ve got to do everything if you need to sit in silence. Just as I did, sit in front of the TV for a few days and do nothing if you need it. Just do mind-numbing, nothing so you can regroup. 

But don’t allow other people to put pressure on you to do something that maybe you don’t want to do. If it doesn’t feel right. Listen to what your body’s telling you. Sometimes our analytical brain wants us to think or do something just to get us restarted when we need to stay in the cocoon that we’re in for a little bit longer. 

But if you want to understand some ways to get yourself out of this feeling. If you’re feeling like this, I wanted to share with you some of the things that I did. I’m a big journaler. I liked to write down my thoughts because when they leave, my brain goes through my hands and onto the paper. It’s like, they’re there for the world to see. And I just wanted to read to you what I’d written in my diary last week. 

This is what I wrote: “It’s my choice, but I just want to lay around and watch TV. I want this feeling of worry to go away. Even though it takes energy that I would prefer to be using somewhere else, putting off the decisions I know must be made, but I ignore them.”

And that little bit right there, it was about everyday life decisions. It was nothing to do with survival or anything like that. It was just me trying to get back into what my normality meant for me. 

It is the same today as what it was a few months ago. It’s my choice what I want to do because it’s what I love. But when you’re going through a divorce, we’re talking about your normal being so abnormal to you. There’s no doubt that you feel uncomfortable. What I want you to do and what might help you is to make sure that you check in with yourself and you do write down what you’re feeling.

And that’s why just sitting in silence is what you need to do. Just sitting there and I’m not talking for about five minutes. You probably need to do it for a minimum of 30 minutes. You need to turn off the TV, you need to turn off everything, and you need to sit with yourself and your thoughts.

When you do that, all of a sudden you can get through all of the heavy baggage. And you think about all of that stuff that’s uncomfortable because there’s no noise around you, there’s nothing keeping you entertained. So you have to think about the thoughts, but that once you’ve done it, automatically your mind goes to solutions. Automatically your body is coming up with, what do I need to do to address this? And once you’ve done that, then it’s like, okay, I’ve got rid of that top layer of the cake and now I’m getting deeper. Now I deal with the next issue. Then the same thing.

Then you move into the one underneath and if you tackle every problem, one at a time, the biggest one first. You will feel like you are actually getting somewhere and that’s all you need to do. You need to feel like you are getting somewhere, just like me with my brother-in-law. I don’t know if this is how you are feeling right now.

But the question I kept asking myself is, why is it that we try so hard, that we put in what we think is a hundred per cent, why we get up every day? We keep doing what we keep doing, and it’s the same thing every day.

We get up. We go to bed, we get up, we go to bed and then one day we might not get up at all. And I know this might sound sad, but I just felt like I had to talk about this today.

I went through my divorce. I changed my life. I did what I had to do to have a better experience, but then just like my brother-in-law tomorrow, I might not wake up.

And what does that mean? And now this is where the beauty came about. So after my few weeks of feeling aimless, not understanding what it was, what is this message that is coming from this experience? To me, the message was simple. 

But it took me a while to get it. And the message is my dear frames that life is so damn short from when we’re born to the moment where we die, it disappears in the flick of a switch. 

We need to make sure that every day we do our best, we try our hardest, and we live our life to the fullest because we don’t know if there will be a tomorrow. 

So if right now you feel like you either don’t have the strength, or you’re wondering if you made the right decisions. Just ask yourself one simple question. Are you better off where you are right now or where you were before? And what can tomorrow hold? I’m not talking about years from now, but what will tomorrow hold that is better tomorrow than it is today. And if every day you get up and you think today is going to be better than yesterday, because this is what I’m going to do to make it better. Then it will be a beautiful day. It will be a good day. 

And I am very grateful for my brother in law, for the lessons that he taught me, for my previous marriage, and for every single thing I have in my life. I am so damn lucky right now. 

And even though the world seems heavy and it doesn’t seem to be what it used to be just as long as I get up tomorrow and I do the best I can do, and I give back to the people what I need to give back. Just as I love my family, my husband, my children, you, everything will be okay.

So hopefully you get the message that I’m trying to get across to you right now, but just know it will be okay. Just wake up tomorrow and do the best you can do. Not the best that anyone else wants you to do, the best you can do. And when you do that, everything will be okay.

Bye. For now.

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