It takes time and courage to identify what’s hurting us in our life. It could be our environment, our partner, the lifestyle we’ve imposed ourselves to have, and many other things. After we identify them, it takes even more courage to step away from those things that hurt us. 

But, in many cases, leaving, or putting distance between us and what hurt us is not enough. There’s something else we need to change to reach happiness, our context. In today’s episode, I want to talk to you a little bit more about content and context, and why your failed marriage is keeping you trapped. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

What is hard for me might be not hard for you [00:01:00] 

Your habits keep you trapped [00:04:00] 

When we tell excuses to ourselves [00:06:00] 

Leaving what makes you unhappy, is a solution? [00:09:00] 

Changing the content but not the context [00:11:00] 

Having clarity and vision of what you want for your future [00:13:00] 

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Transcription

Hi guys. Welcome back to this week’s podcast. Wow. We’re nearly Christmas. I can’t believe it. It’s coming around so quickly, but I wanted to talk to you today about your old relationship keeping you trapped. Now there’s a belief out there that life will be hard after divorce. We’ve all heard it. I can’t do this alone, I’m not smart enough, I have no money. I’ve got too many kids, they are my priority. Whatever it is that you might be telling yourself because you’ve got a story around it.

We’ve all got this story going around, around in our head about why we can’t do something. And it’s as simple as that, it’s a story, but that story becomes a belief. 

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A lot of people have this belief that life will be hard after divorce. Here’s the thing, hard to me and hard to you may be two completely different things. 

And one way I often think of this is pain levels. You know, you have some people that have got an exceptionally high level of pain threshold. And my eldest son is someone like that. I remember when he was three years old, and I was hanging upside down on the monkey bars. Anyway, I’m saying to him, of course, you can do it. Up you get, mate. So I’m hanging upside down by my legs.

And here he is, this beautiful little three-year-old boy hopping upside down, copying his mother. I’m encouraging him to do this. Guess what happened? Well, I probably don’t even need to tell you. The poor little darling fell. He put his arm out, and he broke his radius and his owner. So he had two bones sticking out of his small arm because he’s mother told him, come on, you can do this. You’re strong enough. Anyway. This boy did not even cry. And I’m thinking, well, maybe he’s in shock. Here I am bawling my eyes out. I could not believe what had just occurred. And I’ve got another baby. And we’d walked out of the parks. I had to quickly get home, get him in the car, ring his father and say, look, he’s just broken his arm. I’m on my way to the hospital, but he never cried. 

And now we’ve learned that he’s got such an exceptional pain threshold. He’s had perforated eardrums. He’s had a broken ankle playing footy. He just doesn’t cry. He doesn’t feel the pain.

So when I am crying at his emotional, or it’s probably my emotional hurt. Because I can’t believe what I’ve put him through and thinking all these things to myself. Looking back now I’m crying, but he’s not even crying at all. He’s gone, mum, It’s okay. He’s holding his arm up because it’s wobbling back and forth. And that’s how serious it was, but he didn’t cry. So when I talk about beliefs and life will be hard after divorce, it all depends on what hard means to you and what hard means to me. And it’s like muscle memory. So years earlier, what hard may have meant to you because you haven’t experienced things throughout your life.

Your threshold for pain, and what would have been difficult, has grown. It’s evolved bigger, stronger, whatever you want to say about it. But if we go back to your old relationship, you know, habits are keeping you trapped. I get it because I was you. And when you’ve heard your old relationship habits of keeping you trapped, you may have said to yourself, what are you talking about, Tanya?

It’s over, you know, I’ve made the decision, so I’m not trapped anymore. Well, I’m not trapped in my old relationship, but you are trapped in the habits. But here’s the thing you might be saying to yourself. Why would you say that, Tanya? Well, let me explain. And this will make perfect sense to you. So think about it.

Research says it takes a person between two to four years before they leave a marriage. So the person has sat there for two to four years contemplating their next steps, getting prepared, building the courage to have the conversation with their partner and therefore with or without you knowing your relationship was actually ending subconsciously years earlier. But you’ve got into this nasty habit, you’ve moved back and forth, things are good. No, they’re not. I can do this. No, I can’t it’ll work. It definitely can’t. I’m happy. No, I’m not. 

I’m sure you’ve been there. You’ve at moments through that period of the disintegration of the relationship that two to four year period in your subconscious mind, you’ve talked to yourself a bit.

No, no, this can work. I can make this better. No. Um, I’m better off to stay than I am to go. I’m so fearful that if I leave, I won’t be able to make it work. So I better just suck it up. And I’m better off to just stay. And I’ve heard people say that people will come up with excuses like I need to stay for the kids. Or, you know, as I said at the start, that belief is, I can’t do this alone. I’m not smart enough. I’m not strong enough. I don’t have the financial means. And then what’s happening. Is in their mind, they’re continually moving back and forth and back and forth things are good. No, they’re not. I can do this. No, I can’t. I’m going to be happy. No, I’m not. And you’ve probably been there. Haven’t you? You’re now in the habit right now of uncertainty and being unable to trust yourself. Do you know how I know? Well, I was there and so are probably 99% of my clients. Now here’s the thing. You can make a decision to save yourself, and that decision comes back to the content and the context of your life.

So we’ve been talking about these for the last month. You’ve heard me explain this before, but if this is your very first podcast of the divorce angel podcast, go back and listen to it—at least the last two, where I’ve spoken about content and context. 

Content is your environment or the world around you. Most of the content you live in is found on the left-hand side of your brain. Let’s call it your analytical side. Now context is your belief, your unconscious thoughts. Some may say, it’s your programming. And this comes from your right side. Let’s call that your emotional side, but this is a thing you can change, your content, which is your environment and your relationship.

So, in other words, you can leave your unhappy life. You can reject, whatever it is that you feel is giving you pain, but that does not change your context. How do I know this? How do I know this is a problem? Well, the research and the figures show. That 70% of second-time marriages fail. And 90% of third-time marriages fail.

So these people are leaving what makes them unhappy. They are leaving their environment and their relationship, which is their content, but they’re not changing them. They’re not changing their beliefs and not changing their habits, the programming, the autopilot that they’ve been operating on for so long; the habits of their old relationship. The way they’ve lost trust, I can do it, I can’t do it. I’m happy, no, I’m not, that back and forth. You second guess everything you do. And you become part of the 70 and 90%. So people change their environment, but they don’t change their context. An example of this, if you’d like to know a bit more.

And so I can prove it to you is imagine someone who wins the lottery. So research has said that people that win the lottery are more likely to lose what they have. And we’ve heard all of the stories. 

If we look at Muhammad Ali, he became very, very wealthy. Didn’t he? And now from what I understand, he’s completely broke.

So let me explain this a little bit more. His content is, I’m a millionaire. But his context, his money, doesn’t grow on trees. I’m a poor person, whatever the stories are, whatever he’s unconscious beliefs are, they keeping him trapped. So money doesn’t grow on trees, or I’m a poor person means that the person who’s won the lottery or who is now a millionaire rather than learn to invest some money or whatever the case might be. They will make decisions to either lend money to the family members. Or they will buy a property, but don’t stop to think that the running costs of the property will take all of their cash flow. Like there’s so much behind their thinking and their beliefs, and they squander a lot of it.

And it’s not because they don’t appreciate it. It’s just that their context that they live in, their subconscious beliefs, the programming that they’ve grown up with says, I can’t be rich, I’m a poor person. 

Now, because I know you don’t want to be one of these people, you need to change the context in which you live.

Which means you need to change the way you have been thinking. And that’s why we’ve been doing this course Restore Me because that’s what we’re doing. We’re getting these fantastic people to contemplate in our program. Had a change of context, had a real look at what hasn’t been working. Get out of those old habits that have been keeping you trapped.

I call these people, the struggling separated, and you might be able to resonate with this because I was one of them.

The struggling separated know that they want so much more. They’re searching for it, hunting for it. The pain of staying is so great that they have to leave. But I want to turn all of the struggling separated into lifelong lovers. I want them to be joyful, confident, happy, energetic, fulfilled.

I want them to have clarity of vision of what they want for their future. And that’s what we’re working on in the Restore Me program. We’re trying to bring everyone back to, this is what you did not say. It’s like pulling away from this invisible cloak. You actually, weren’t aware of this problem, this X, Y, and Zed, because you were so close to it. After all, it was in your content for so long that you’re now aware.

And when you’re aware, you can change your context. And it’s when you change your context that you change your life. It’s really, it’s critically important. 

If you’d like to learn more about how to change your context and have a real refresh and to think about what it is that you want in life, and not make the same mistakes over and over again because your old relationship habits are keeping you trapped.

We’re going to start this program early in January. We’re going to have at the bottom of these podcasts a waiting list. And I’d love you to pop on You don’t need to be part of it, but you might pop on and learn more about what we’re doing and how you can be part of the change.

How can you be part of the change in the world? Can you imagine a life where we don’t have so many people having these relationship issues after one, after the other, that they’ve learnt from the early mistakes and they’re no longer trapped? God, what a better life, what a better world. We’d be happy people, we’d have more happy people. That’s my purpose. And that’s what I’m trying to do. And I’d love you to be part, so hop on the waiting list.

We look forward to helping you change the context of your life. So, you know, you can leave a legacy for not only the people around you, but you can show your kids, the people that mean the most to you, that you can go through heartache and pain, and come at the other side and be a whole new person. All right. My darlings I’m off. I’ll talk to you next week. Bye for now.

 

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