Last week we talked about the first of three pillars of the Restore Me program, rewriting your life. This week, we will talk about the second of those three pillars, reconnect. 

When we are going through a divorce, many of us fear what will happen after the separation. Who will love us again, how are we going to rebuild our lives, how is our financial life going to be?

In this episode, we will talk about how reconnecting with ourselves, with our values and beliefs, can help us answer these questions and quickly put this fear out of our system.

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

What most people miss about the reconnect part [00:03:00] 

The moment the pain starts to decrease [00:06:00] 

What is the best way to rebuild? [00:09:00] 

Practical exercise – Name what you feel [00:12:00] 

What a life lover would do [00:15:00] 

Why do we speak to ourselves in a way we don’t talk to others? [00:18:00]

Links

Restore Me Program

https://divorceangel.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1051502

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

 

Hey there, everyone, and welcome back to this week’s podcast. I’m excited to bring this to you because I’ve worked hard for some time, trying to make a difference in the process of divorce seriously. My goal is to make the experience better for each and every one of you. And to let you know what can be done to make it easier. 

But today I want it to have an earnest conversation with you and let you know about what it is that is really worrying you because at this time, whether it be in your life or even your divorce, you’re not really aware of this problem.

And it’s something that has taken me many years to realize it’s taken

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me hundreds and hundreds of divorces and helping people get through a divorce to understand why so many people struggle to get on with their life. 

And last week, I spoke to you about a program that I’ve put together called the Restore Me program.

Why is this program so important? It’s important because it has three key areas of life that you must address. And those three areas are: rewrite your story and rewrite what you want from your future. You need to reconnect to what is most important to you. You passionately need to reconnect to your values because a lot of them have either subsided they’ve disappeared, or you’ve taken on your partner’s values, and you’ve lost yours. There’s a disconnect happening. And then the third pillar is reclaiming you. What is this important to you? These three pillars together are what I’ve used to now form a program called Restore Me. 

Last week we spoke a little bit about the rewriting part of your life and why that’s so critically important.

But today I want to talk to you about the reconnect part. Most people are missing because they forget to reconnect to self, to what’s important, including behaviours, beliefs, values, goals, aspirations, you know, we need to reevaluate the limitations and the “I can’t” thing. I don’t like saying I can’t do this, I can’t do that, is it means you have taken away all of your power. You are handing your power over to someone else. If I can’t do something, it’s not because someone else has taken that from me. It’s because I choose not to do it. So when I say I choose not to do something, it comes from a place of power rather than me being powerless and saying, I can’t.

We need to reconnect to what is most important to us and choosing the direction that our life needs to take. Now, many people that are in this situation, their belief is, well, this is, this is all it is. I’m here because of choices of mate, this is all too hard, and I need to accept my reality.

They could even be thinking, you know, life’s hard, and you know, this sort of thing happens to so many people. I’m not sure if any of those relate to your situation, but you could have a belief right now about why you can’t do something. And this is the truth. Divorce is easy. That is the truth. Divorce is easy.

Now let me explain to you what I mean by that. Now let’s not forget I’ve been where you are right now. The pain of addressing the unhappiness. It can be merely crippling the thoughts of failure, the kids’ financial uncertainty time, it’s a melting pot of pain. And for some of us, it can be the darkest period of our life.

That may even be you. Until the pain starts to subside. And you might say, well, Tanya, when is that going to happen? Well, the pain begins to decrease when we get familiar with the pain, and the pain is a reminder of what was wrong, what needed to change, what you’re no longer going to be prepared to tolerate what was inappropriate and uncomfortable.

And it’s a reminder of what felt like this is not acceptable. So whether you chose to leave the marriage or you didn’t choose to leave the wedding, and this was thrown upon you, if you really ask yourself the truth, you’ve known for some time, that something is not okay. Now, this is a time of the gift.

And what I mean by that is it’s like a barometer of managing your feelings. And as we’ve spoken about on previous occasions, emotions create thoughts. Now, this is really important. I’m not going to jump over this. Let me go over that again. Feelings create thoughts. What does that mean? We’ll just think about it right now.

Okay. Think about a feeling that you have in your gut, whether that be uncertainty, whether that be fear, whether that be loneliness, whatever the surface is that you are feeling. Then consider the thoughts that are associated with that. So if every day you get up and go to work, and when there’s a moment spare that you’re not busy doing something automatically, your mind will have a thought.

And usually, that thought will be associated with whatever feeling you are feeling. So if you’re feeling unloved, if you’re feeling frightened, all your mind will do is continually perpetuate these thoughts to support the feeling. So let me repeat it, your feelings create your thoughts.

If we don’t address the feelings, we continually have these thoughts, and they go on and on. And this is where the struggling separated remain. And many, many people are what I call struggling separated.

And it is because they haven’t addressed what I’m talking about here. So I said it a little while ago, divorce is easy and this is the truth. Our fear is not of divorce at all. Our fear is of our own ability to survive or our own ability to rebuild. It may even be to be happy. Think about it. The process of divorce is not the tricky part.

It’s what the end picture looks like. That we’re most worried about. We’ve got this self-doubt. We’re concerned about how we’re going to survive. We’re worried about if we’re going to be strong enough, who else will love us? Whatever it is. Many of us have very, very similar. Concerns. And how do we rebuild?

And it’s easy. I’m here to tell you it’s easy. It’s easy because what we need to do is where we need to reconnect to what is most important, but if you’ve never really sat down and given yourself the time to consider what’s important or what you need to reconnect to. That’s where the issues start to happen.

That’s where we continually get into these thoughts of doubt because we feel someone comfortable out. Our bodies are telling us it’s, something’s not okay, but we’re not listening. And when you get to a state where I’m now, and many of my clients, we become life lovers. And so a life lover is the complete opposite of a struggling, separated.

We know what we’re feeling, and we know how to address it so we can move through the emotions and stop the thoughts. So let’s just talk about this for a minute. So is it divorce that you are frightened of, or is it the process? Is it not standing up for yourself? Maybe it’s being bullied.

Maybe it’s not getting what you think you’re entitled to. For some people, it could just be communicating with your ex-partner or the conflict caused by what’s going on. But he’s the thing I talked about this last week, how we do one thing is how we do everything. And what I mean by that is for instance, if you are frightened of not standing up for yourself, I want you to look around right now, look around in your life and where else in your life are you not standing up for yourself?

Be honest. Where else in your life are you not standing up for yourself?

Is it that you’re being, or you don’t want to be bullied into a situation because you’ve been controlled. Where else in your life are you being held in your life? Do you feel like you’ve been bullied because it’s not just happening now, it’s happening in other areas of your life because these are the patterns you’ve gotten into?

These are the habits that you’ve gotten into and where else have these things been occurring? And they’re causing problems in your life. So this is the exercise for you right now. I want you to stop, maybe even pause the podcast and really feel where it is right now. You feel the most pain, you think, whatever it is and name that feeling.

Is it hurt? Is it anguish? What is it? And then ask yourself. Why, why do I feel this? Why is this feeling coming up for me? And then the next part, where else in my life is this happening? Because we are a mirror of ourselves. When we hold the mirror up, these issues are happening in other parts of our life.

So the opposite of the struggling separated is who I am today, who I absolutely strive to be today. And that’s a life lover—someone who’s aware that their life is a mirror of them. For example, if you show up angry or you show anger, you are mad on the inside. If you show up frustrated, Then you are frustrated on the inside.

You’re frustrated with your life. If you have unorganized thoughts, you probably are unorganized in your life. And the same can be said for many other emotions and actions. You just need to be honest and open with yourself. And ask yourself what I am not seeing? What is happening in other areas of my life? Because this is what you need to do.

If you really want to be a life lover, if that’s where you want to get to, where it does not matter what someone says to you or what they say, that it’s water off a Duck’s back. It does not matter just as long as you acknowledge this power that you have, and this is where the feelings of getting divorced.

That’s not what you’re scared of, what you’re afraid of. Is what’s going to happen afterwards. You’re so afraid of your abilities. You’re so frightened of what you need to do to rebuild. So if we could help with that, if we could change those issues or at a minimum, allow you to see them. So you could work on them.

Just imagine how much easier this would be, how much quicker you would get through whatever it is that you’re dealing with right now. Because the thing with the life lover is they know how to let go. They know how to feel the emotion to stop the thought, to then have the formula to let it go. They’re joyful and energetic.

And in many cases, they can feel Bulletproof because they’ve caught the formula. Why? Because they’ve got the key, they’ve got the understanding to their mind. They’re in control of their life because of this awareness that they have of this mirror. They hold up to themselves. And that’s, what’s so crucial with reconnecting to yourself.

That’s why I’ve put together this Restore Me program because of the difference made to so many of my clients. But just not that, the difference it’s made to me. If you do not learn the skills that I’m talking about here if they do not come this easy or do not have this awareness, I can tell you that 99.5% of the population does not have this skill.

What happens is we become part of the divorce ecosystem. I’ve spoken about it before in 45% of first-time marriages, 70% of second-time marriages fail and 90% of third-time marriages. Because we’re continually making the same mistakes one after the other, we go out of one relationship into a new one, and we make the same mistakes.

But when we can hold the mirror up in front of us and know what is essential to understand why we’re frustrated and how to work through that frustration or dissipate it completely. So it never ever shows up again. That’s the most important thing I’ve talked about this previously, but there’s no doubt.

At times I have been angry, and I had to be mad in my role when I worked at the airport just to be able to survive. So there was a period in my life where anger was a requirement just to get out of bed and keep going. Today, I might not show anger to anyone around me, but I’m aware of when I show it to myself. It could be something as simple as, you know, looking in the mirror and saying something negative about myself being angry, because maybe I had one glass of wine too many, or I had a piece of chocolate.

I’m not showing anger to the outside world, but I still have anger in me because I’m talking to myself in that way and that’s not okay. Because if I don’t speak to someone else that way, why the hell would I talk to myself like that? And these are the little tips and tricks that are absolutely 100% turned my life three 60 around.

They are the little tools that have made such a big difference that every person must learn them because they make a difference. So if you’d like to know a little bit more about the restore me program, where we rewrite, reconnect, and reclaim your life. Go to my website, www.tanyasomerton.com.

Look under the program tab, and the Restore Me program is there at the time of recording this. We’re not starting a new program for a few weeks, but I would love to see you in there. I would love to see you are part of this because it can make an absolute, absolute, notable difference to who you are. 

And to who you become and how you act in the future.

And this is the key. There’s nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing wrong with you. The brilliant parts of you are absolutely incredibly strong resourceful, and they want to get out. But what happens when we’ve been through, what many of us have been through? We lose who we are. We lose, what’s essential, the beliefs and the goals and the aspirations.

And we need to reconnect. To that core of us to be able to then not be fearful, to know that no matter what happens, we’re gonna be okay and we’re gonna have the answers, but no matter what happiness is, the vibration happiness is the thought. So remember it, before I spoke about feelings, create ideas.

Happiness is the feeling that creates the thoughts that give us the actions to have a better life. And that, yeah, that’s what these program Restore Me is all about. So I’d love to see you as part of this program, but if you don’t want to go back and do the exercise that I talked about in the middle of this podcast, because that alone will make some difference to you.

Okay, so next week, I’m going to talk about the reclaim pot of the three pillars, just so you understand why that is also key for your success. All right. My darlings have a great rest of the day, and I’ll talk to you next week. Bye. For now.

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